


Final Set

by TheGreatCatsby



Series: Turning Tables [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Cancer, M/M, oisuga, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 18:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6250279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreatCatsby/pseuds/TheGreatCatsby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I want to go to Nationals.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Final Set

There were days when Suga bristled at Oikawa's touch, at anyone's touch, where he would curl in on himself and if asked would only give a curt, “I'm tired” in reply. 

Today Oikawa pushed him. He hated the tight feeling in his chest that came as a result of Suga's lack of response. “You never explain. What am I supposed to do?” 

“Nothing,” Suga told him, voice oddly flat. 

“That's what I'm going to do,” Oikawa said, “since you don't tell me.” 

“I don't know what's wrong,” Suga snapped, and Oikawa recoiled because Suga hardly ever snapped. 

“Fine.” They sat in stony silence watching mindless daytime television. Oikawa drew his knees up to his chest, but he wouldn't ask. He wouldn't break the silence. It was an old habit of his born out of spite, to not want to be the one to crack first. To not want to be more vulnerable than the other person, in this case, the person curled up a couch length away. 

Suga did. “I don't know what's wrong,” he repeated. This time his voice was soft. “But sometimes something is wrong and I'm tired of everything.” 

Oikawa suddenly felt cold. 

“I'm sorry,” Suga continued. “I shouldn't take it out on you.” 

“No, you shouldn't,” Oikawa said, which wasn't what he'd meant to say. Suga, however, nodded, like he understood. He probably did understand. It was infuriating. It was so infurating that Oikawa uncurled and stood up. “I'll see you tomorrow.” 

Suga nodded again, the corners of his mouth tugging down. “Is everything alright?” 

“Fine,” Oikawa said. “I'm just tired.” That was probably a little bitter too, and Suga's expression showed that he knew. But Oikawa didn't care. Not right now. He let himself out of the house, walked to the nearest bus stop, and dialed Iwaizumi's number. 

Iwaizumi picked up on the second ring. 

“What do you do if someone tells you that something's wrong but they don't know what?” Oikawa blurted out. The bus wasn't there, so he started pacing. 

“What?” Iwaizumi sighed. “What happened? Are you asking me what I'd do if you told me that?” 

“What would you do?” Oikawa asked. 

“I'd tell you to get a grip and figure it out, and then maybe I can help you,” Iwaizumi said. “Is this about Sugawara?” 

“Maybe,” Oikawa said. “I had to leave, because he didn't know what was wrong, but it was making him like...grumpy.” 

“Grumpy.” 

“Well, not grumpy. Just, he seemed like he didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone me.” 

“Maybe he doesn't want to worry you.” 

“Maybe he should.” 

“Maybe he knows that you overthink things.” 

Oikawa stopped in his tracks, shoulders slumped. “Maybe you're right.” 

“You know,” Iwaizumi added, “if this isn't good for your health, you don't have to stay in the relationship.” 

Oikawa's grip on the phone tightened. “Suga is good for my health. He's been helping me, Iwa-chan.” 

“And you have to go back to university soon,” Iwaizumi said. “And I know how you worry about shit. You're gonna worry about him. And there's nothing you can do.” 

He knew that, but the words still hurt. “What are you saying? Are you saying I can't handle him dying?” 

“No, I'm saying that you can't handle a long distance relationship.” Iwaizumi scoffed. “Yeah, I'm kind of wondering if it's the best thing for you now. You've had a lot to handle, and you're always pushing yourself too far for who knows what reason.” 

“Is Iwa-chan worried?” 

“Shut up. Actually listen to me and think for once about what I'm saying.” 

Oikawa saw the bus coming down the road. “I'll think about it,” he said. It wasn't like he had a choice. Iwaizumi's words were already weaving their way into the back of his head, ready to come out later. Probably to make a nasty reappearance when he was getting ready for bed, and then again when he next saw Sugawara. “I have to go, Iwa-chan.” 

“Next time call me to actually have a conversation, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi said, but he didn't sound angry. 

Oikawa allowed himself a small smile. “Have fun, Iwa-chan.” He hung up. 

The bus ride home was long. Long enough for Iwaizumi's words to really sink in. 

Could he handle getting close to Sugawara and then losing him on top of everything else he'd lost? 

He didn't have an answer. 

* 

“I want to go to Nationals.” 

“What?” 

Oikawa had barely sat down, ready to ask Suga if things from yesterday were okay, when Suga brought this up. He was sitting on the edge of the couch, looking more alert than he had yesterday. Oikawa took this to mean that everything was okay. 

“I think,” Suga said, “part of what's wrong is that I feel bad, and I don't feel like I can do anything about it.” 

“Bad,” Oikawa repeated. “Physically? Can you see the doctor? Is there more pain?” Suga had talked about pain a few times, that he took medicine for, but he didn't like to constantly be on painkillers, especially the ones the doctor gave him which were stronger than the normal ones. Depending on the day, he would go without, or go with an over-the-counter. Oikawa had the feeling that Suga tried to deal with being in pain more often than he took something for it. 

Oikawa wished Suga would take the medicine more often. Even if it made him sleepy. There were other issues too. Suga feeling sick a lot, having low energy. Normally these things would just go away, but with Suga, it would just get worse. Oikawa thought about Iwaizumi's words again and shifted uncomfortably. Iwaizumi knew him. Iwaizumi knew he hated feeling helpless. 

Suga sighed. “Yes and no. I mean I sit around feeling like crap a lot. Not just physically. And I was thinking about ways to help that besides just sitting here and getting annoyed or angry.” 

“Okay,” Oikawa said. 

Suga took a deep breath. “I want to go to Nationals and watch a game, because at Nationals I felt strong.” 

Oikawa's chest started to ache. “I did too,” he said. 

“I know. I don't know if you want to. You don't have to come. I'm just telling you that this is something I want to do.” 

“Nationals are now,” Oikawa said, because he'd never stopped keeping track of his old teams. 

“I know. I could ask my parents to come with me but,” Suga laughed, “how uncool would that be? Maybe I'll ask Daichi if-” 

“I'll go,” Oikawa said. 

“Are you sure?” Suga's eyes were wide. 

“I'm sure. I wanna see Karasuno ground into the dust.” 

Suga tipped his head back and laughed, entire body shaking, care free and Oikawa thought, one day I'll never see that again. And knowing that felt wrong, like everything was one step out of place. The unsettled feeling uncurled in his chest and Suga laughed and later, Oikawa cried. 

*

“You're just going to prove a point, aren't you, Shittykawa.” 

“Don't be mean, Iwa-chan.” 

“You want to prove that you can handle seeing a volleyball game again,” Iwaizumi said, “so that you then say that you can handle what's going on with Sugawara.” 

“Not at all,” Oikawa hummed, though it had crossed his mind, and maybe it was a little bit true. But he also wanted to know if he could. He wanted to know if volleyball was still ruined for him. Maybe it would always be, a little, but being able to watch it would give him something back. 

“I want to come with you,” Iwaizumi said. 

“What?!” Oikawa squawked. He nearly jumped out of bed. 

“Maybe I'll invite Sawamura as well.” 

“Why?” 

“Because if things go wrong, I want to be there for you,” Iwaizumi said, “and at least if Sawamura comes you'll know someone is there for Sugawara.” 

Oikawa closed his eyes. “Fine. If you insist.” 

“Don't be a pain in the ass.” 

“I'm not the one making special arrangements.” 

“You'd best be thankful.” Iwaizumi hung up. 

“I hope I'm not,” Oikawa muttered to the empty room. 

He really didn't want to need to be thankful for anything. If all went well, he wouldn't have to be. 

*

The morning of the game didn't start as planned. 

Oikawa stood awkardly on the other side of a bathroom stall door, fingers curled into fists and body tense as he heard Suga retch again, vomit splashing into the toilet. Some days were good, but today seemed like a not so good one. This happened often, but this time they were far away from Suga's house, from Suga's parents, and Oikawa was full of nervous energy and for some reason Suga didn't want him in the stall. Maybe because he knew that seeing it would make Oikawa anxious, and then Oikawa would start saying things like the thing he said next. 

“Are you sure about this?” 

Suga answered with another retch. Oikawa winced, waited. He wished Suga would let him in. 

When Suga finally emerged, he looked ashen. But he gave Oikawa a shaky smile. “I'm sure.” 

And underneath that there was a lot. It wasn't that the smile didn't reach his eyes, but rather that it was accompanied by tiredness. Oikawa knew what Suga wanted to say to him. He wanted to say that he wouldn't get any better, that this was the best they were going to get, and that he needed Oikawa to understand that. That it was important to stay because Karasuno was playing and Suga was stubborn enough to think, damn the illness, he would do as he pleased. 

Oikawa would have done the same. 

So he offered his hand to Suga after he was done rinsing out his mouth. Suga took it, and together they walked into the gym. 

* 

Karasuno wasn't playing Aoba Josai. Oikawa's fingers curled against the edge of his seat as he leaned forward, watching the Nekoma players and the Karasuno players face off in their familiar uniforms, using familiar moves. Oikawa's body twitched. He wished he could feel the ball against his palm again, or against the tips of his fingers. That he could call out to Iwa-chan after sending him a toss. The court didn't belong to him anymore. 

Suga, next to him, had his hands clenched into fists, teeth gritted as he watched the volley between the two teams. They were close, neither managing to claw ahead. Neck and neck and in the final set of three. Suga had already screamed himself hoarse, and Oikawa hadn't realized just how fired up he could get about games. 

He caught Sawamura sending fond looks Suga's way. He must have witnessed this sort of thing many times during his high school years. 

Nekoma was the first team to reach 25 points, but Karasuno was right behind at 24. 

Suga suddenly grabbed Oikawa's arm with both hands, clutching at it hard enough to make Oikawa's eyes water. “Match point!” he cried. “Break their streak, Karasuno! Break them down!” 

His voice made Oikawa's ears ring. 

But the passion behind it, for something he could no longer be a part of, made him grin. Suga was still a fighter, even if he couldn't fight on the court. He found ways. The pain in his arm from Suga's grip brought Oikawa back to his senses. 

“Karasuno, fight!” he shouted. 

Suga turned and stared at him, mouth slightly open. And then he smiled, wide, “Thank you, Tooru,” he said, and it was much quieter than everything else going on around them, but it was the only thing Oikawa heard. 

Oikawa nodded, and Suga leaned forward, pressed a small kiss to his lips. Oikawa kissed back, and Suga's grip on his arm tightened, and then the sound of a ball slamming into the ground shocked them both into pulling away and staring at the court. 

There was silence. For a moment. 

Then a loud roar filled the gym, cheering. 

Karasuno had tied the game at 25. 

“Fight, Karasuno!” Suga and Oikawa shouted together, earning amused looks from Iwaizumi and Sawamura. “Fight!” 

The game went on for several more points, and Suga and Oikawa clutched at each other's hands the whole time. 

Karasuno won, 32-30, and he leapt out of his chair and tackled Oikawa in a hug, nearly knocking him off his feet. Oikawa wrapped his arms around Suga and kissed him, long and deep, amidst the cheers and shouts. 

“I love you,” Suga told him, and Oikawa's heart started beating faster. He could pretend that he hadn't heard. 

So he did. He kissed Suga again until Iwaizumi dragged them outside. 

* 

On the drive home, Suga curled up in the passenger seat. They'd gone out for a brief dinner after the game, and Iwaizumi had pulled Oikawa aside and asked, “Are you okay?” 

“I'm fine,” Oikawa said, and he was surprised that he meant it. Mostly fine. 

“Good. It seemed like you were enjoying yourself.” 

Oikawa had turned red, and Iwaizumi had patted him on the back and turned to say something to Daichi, leaving Oikawa to stew. 

But now in the car, Oikawa was a little less okay. Suga kept glancing at him, then looking away. 

“Tooru,” Suga said after some time. “It's okay if you don't feel the same.” 

Oikawa swallowed and glanced at Suga, quickly, before returning his gaze to the road. In the brief glimpse he saw the setting sun casting shadows on Suga's face, reflecting in his eyes, making his expression hard to read, shining in his hair. 

For some reason it stuck in Oikawa's mind, Suga illuminated by the sun, a fleeting glimpse. It felt like this was what he had. Just a few seconds of a bright presence that would be gone, replaced by the dark. By nothing. 

“I want to,” Oikawa said after a few moments. “I like you. But.” 

“It's okay,” Suga repeated. “I know.” 

Oikawa drove on, the sun set, and he wondered if this was something he would regret. 

* 

Suga was bedridden the next day. He called Oikawa and said, sheepishly, “I knew I'd be in for it after all that screaming and jumping.” He could barely croak out the words over the phone. 

It shouldn't be this way, Oikawa thought. He wished Suga could feel like him, just a bit tired but no worse for wear. “Are you okay?” he asked. 

“I'm fine,” Suga said. “And you?” 

Oikawa had opened his computer and was staring at a series of emails sent from his university. “Um.” 

“What's wrong?” 

“I have to go back to school soon.” 

“I know.” 

“It's hitting me,” Oikawa said, opening one of the emails. It had to do with housing registration. “I'm doing this.” 

“You can do this,” Suga said. 

“But that means leaving you.” 

Suga was silent for a moment. Then he laughed, softly. “Now who's leaving who, Tooru?” 

Oikawa's stomach twisted. In a way, Suga was presenting a choice. 

Because Oikawa could leave, before Suga left him. 

It was the sort of thing he'd thought in high school: bite before being bitten. Act before having to react. Iwaizumi knew that, which is why he'd suggested that Oikawa leave. Suga knew that, too. Suga was too smart not to know. 

“You don't have to stay,” Suga added. “You've already done so much for me. You mean so much to me. And I want you to be happy.” 

Oikawa's eyes started to burn. “But you told me you love me.” 

“I know,” Suga said. “That doesn't mean you're obligated to love me back, or to stay. I just wanted you to know, because I think people like knowing that sort of thing.” 

Oikawa liked knowing that sort of thing. But it was complicated. Of course it was. When had his life ever been easy? He and Suga were the same that way, always having to fight. 

He had a chance to win. 

Suga was losing. 

Were they fighting the same fight, or had their paths finally branched away from each other? 

Or maybe it wasn't a fight. Maybe it was just Oikawa figuring out what he needed to do, for his own sake. 

“I have to think,” he said. “But that doesn't mean I'm leaving.” 

*

A few days later, Oikawa took Suga to see the stars. 

They sat atop a hill on a blanket, another blanket draped over their shoulders. Suga curled into Oikawa's side as they stared up at the stars. Oikawa used to drag Iwaizumi to do this until their second year of high school, when volleyball took over in earnest. But he'd never stopped loving the stars. 

“Just think about what's out there,” he'd said to Iwaizumi once. “It's amazing to think there could be other things like us.” 

“An alien verison of Oikawa,” Iwaizumi had said. “My worst nightmare.” 

“An alien version of Iwa-chan,” Oikawa had shot back, “a huge meanie. Possibly the biggest meanie in the universe.” 

“So that's it then? You love space because you've imagined alien versions of us arguing up there.” 

“No. It's more than that. That's the thing. Endless possibilities, we couldn't even begin to guess, Iwa-chan. I mean there could be, like, heaven up there and we wouldn't know. Or hell. Sometimes I'm not sure what I'm seeing when I'm looking at the sky.” 

“Stars,” Iwaizumi had said, sounding extremely self-assured. 

“Stars,” Oikawa had repeated, not sure at all. 

Now, with Suga, they sat in the cold, using each other for warmth. Suga wasn't terribly warm. When he didn't have a fever, his body temperature was strangely low. Oikawa didn't like it, nor did he like the way Suga was shivering, but he did like the way Suga felt against him, the wideness of Suga's eyes as he looked up at the sky and saw the dusting of stars over Miyagi almost unhindered by light from the towns below. 

Oikawa tore his gaze away from the sky to watch Suga, see the night reflected in his eyes, the way the light of the moon made his features soft. He looked like he could disappear at any second, become one of the stars. 

He reached over and brushed a wisp of Suga's hair away from his eyes and murmured, “Koushi, what am I going to do after you're gone?” 

He knew Suga didn't have an answer for him. He couldn't help but ask the question all the same. Oikawa didn't know how long they had, what the future held, and he didn't deal well with uncertainty. 

And in his life, right now, everything was uncertainty. 

Suga caressed Oikawa's cheek, feather-light, looked into Oikawa's eyes and Oikawa could tell that he wasn't going to answer that question. 

“I love you, Koushi,” Oikawa murmured, “but...” He swallowed. 

“You need to move on with your life,” Suga finished for him. “You can't stay here forever. You can't wait for something that's only going to end badly.” 

“At least this way,” Oikawa said, and his voice shook, “We'll both be guaranteed a goodbye.” 

Suga nodded. 

“Can we spend this night together?” Oikawa asked. 

Suga nodded again. “I'd like that.” 

Oikawa held him close, and they should have moved. It was cold, and Suga was probably tired, and at some point they ended up at Suga's house, in his bedroom. Suga's head was on Oikawa's chest, and the rising sun sent light streaming through the window, bathing Suga in a strange glow. 

He would disappear. 

Oikawa would remember him this way. 

It was as good a farewell as any he was ever going to get. Suga stirred, shifted, and tilted his head up to offer Oikawa a soft, sad smile. 

They both knew that soon, Oikawa would say goodbye and mean it. 

“What will you do?” he asked. 

Suga sighed. “Hang out with Daichi. Keep studying. It doesn't hurt to learn more. Have fun.” 

“I hope you do,” Oikawa said. “I hope you do everything you want to do.” 

He thought, I hope you become one of the stars one day.

Oikawa could leave, but he wasn't good at letting go. Suga could leave, but the impression he made meant that he would never really be gone.


End file.
